A Dream Deferred

In case anyone hasn't heard yet, I WON'T be headed back to the UK for a Master's degree this coming fall. I had hoped and prayed that God would open doors so that I could have that incredible opportunity, but evidently He has something else in mind.

To be honest, this has been a really hard few weeks for me. I dreamed of pursuing a Masters degree in London; there wasn't anywhere else I'd rather be next year. I took steps to make that a reality. I visited several universities and music schools in London to narrow down my choices. I found two schools I really liked. I started applications to both of them. Simultaneously, I began to apply for a Marshall Scholarship (which is sort of like a Fulbright, expect it's sponsored by the UK government and would have covered all of my expenses for two years of living and studying in the UK if I had been selected). However, God decided to close that door when the Truman review committee chose not to endorse my application. I met with them to discuss why they had rejected my application, and after hearing their reasons, I agree with their decision. My application--not for lack of academic ability, but simply through my own ignorance of how certain aspects of the process worked and my failure to consult with the committee sooner in the application process when I would still have had time to make changes to my application under their guidance--was most certainly not going to meet the Marshall Commission's expectations. Though it hurt, I'm honestly glad I was rejected now (and kindly, too) by Truman, rather than having to wait a full month on pins and needles only to be inevitably rejected by the Marshall Commission.

Because the Marshall opportunity has not yielded any funding for studying in the UK, and as I do not have the resources (nor would it be cost-effective in my field of study in the long run to take out sizable loans) to pay for grad school in the UK on my own, I have had to let both of my applications to schools in the UK lapse.

However, I have not given up. Armed with the knowledge I gained through the mistakes I made in the process this time, I'm currently applying to grad schools state-side (I'll keep you all up to speed on that process in subsequent posts) and seriously considering re-applying for a Marshall Scholarship, a Fulbright, or various other similar forms of grants/scholarships to London when I'm ready to pursue a doctorate, since in all honesty, the resources in the UK that I'm excited about actually would lend themselves better to doctoral work than to masters work.

However, it's still a difficult decision from the Lord to accept. Though I know intellectually that His will is the best for my life and that He has something else in mind for me, I am still grieving my 'dream deferred.' In fact, I keep thinking of Langston Hughes' poem of the same name, wondering how to process this present full-stop of my dream. Do I abandon it altogether? Do I simply acknowledge that the timing is not right and plan to try again sometime in the future? Do I grieve and even question God's plan with some bitterness and anger? I have seriously considered all of those options in the course of the past three weeks. The conclusion that I've come to is that this is where the rubber meets the road in my relationship with God. Do I really trust Him? Can I really abandon my heart, my dreams, my future, my very life into His capable hands? The answer that I come back to again and again when life presents these moments to me is: Yes. Yes, I have to trust Him. He has been so very faithful before, and He will continue to be faithful. Even when I want to run away from Him, He always draws me back, ever the good shepherd catching the wayward lamb on the edge of a precipice. For the truth of the matter is that there is no where else, no One else, to whom I can reasonably go. In the words of Simon Peter to Jesus, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" (John 6:68 NIV).

Though I still wrestle daily with trusting God in the uncertainty of where I will be next fall (and even this coming summer), I'm asking God to give me the desire to walk with Him in His will for my life. I covet your prayers as I seek to walk by the Spirit in this process and trust the results to Him, finding stability, satisfaction, and purpose, not from my circumstances or dreams, but from my personal relationship with the Triune God of the universe.

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation" (Isaiah 12:2 NIV)

In Christ,
Emily

Overdue Notice

You know how the library sends you an overdue notice when you should have returned a book but you've evidently forgotten to do so? Well, sometimes I think blogs need an "overdue notice" feature. At the same time, I'm grateful that mine doesn't have the power to fine me when I go too long without writing a post--I'd be in some serious debt...possibly more than for all the traveling I've done!

I will attempt more regularity in my updates from now on (now where have I heard that before???). Posts will be a mixture of study abroad/travel anecdotes and current updates on life so that family and friends around the world can check in and get a glimpse of where God's taking me at any given point in time. I hope you'll enjoy them.

Hasta luego, mis amigos!
-Emily