Ahem. So. Before you say anything: I know. "Blog" implies more frequent posts than every, oh, 430 days. Yes, I said I know.
In my defense, I have many times thought of blogging but didn't know what I wanted to say or couldn't make up my mind how to say it. I started drafts, only to never publish them; some still languish in my drafts folder. I thought I wanted to write the perfect first Korea post...but since I couldn't make the perfect post, I didn't post anything. At all. For 430 days.
Maybe that should have been a hint--a few hundred days ago. Oh well. Better late than never. My new blogging goal is to post more frequent (and therefore probably shorter) verbal and visual snapshots of our crazy, funny, frustrating, challenging, beautiful life: the nitty-gritty wherein all the humor, joy, pain, love, and faith really dwell. Feel free to hold me accountable to that, dear readers (if there are any of you still out there after my extensive hiatus).
Now that we've got that out of the way:
Today, I took the GRE, which would normally be bad enough.
But I took it in a foreign country.
Where I don't speak the language at all. (Seriously, I've been here 14 months and my entire Korean vocabulary barely registers in the double digits. It's embarrassing.)
Anyway, the GRE. I was seriously the only native English speaker in the testing facility. And the only one who couldn't read the wall signs and sign-in instructions, which were in Korean. I had to ask complete strangers for help. Fortunately, because they were all there to take an English language exam, they were able (and kind enough) to help direct me.
God is gracious because I totally had peace and a sense of humor about the whole thing.
What's more, I totally had peace about the exam itself. Which is even more unusual given the lead-up to today.
See, the fact that I was even taking it today is a bit of a funny story in itself:
I only decided that I was, in fact, going to take it AT ALL about 2 WEEKS AGO. I'd been nominally studying vocab on and off for some time with Drew because he plans to take it next year and we both figured I might take it eventually. He'd practice GRE words by using them in conversation with me wherever he could fit them in. Usually this results in a lot of laughter, because I can often tell when he's just trying to get a test-word in there instead of using the other big words he'd normally employ. But that is neither here nor there. As I was saying, bits and dabs of GRE studying that amounted to very little so far. But then in mid September, we realized that the best window of opportunity for me to go get my master's would be...*drumroll*... next fall! That's right. Mid-September 2013 I decided to apply for Fall 2014 admission to vocal pedagogy master's programs. Which mainly have December 2013 deadlines.
Yikes.
So anyway, over the next few weeks I researched a lot and decided on some schools and, lo and behold, several wanted a GRE score. By December.
Double yikes.
Ok, so that's less than ideal, I thought, but it's only mid October by this point and I figured I could take it mid November, so I can have a month to study. I started exploring practice tests. About 4 days went by. I went to sign up for the GRE online, still thinking mid November would work for me. And maybe I would be able to take it on post at the Education center. That'd be nice and convenient.
Yikes.
So anyway, over the next few weeks I researched a lot and decided on some schools and, lo and behold, several wanted a GRE score. By December.
Double yikes.
Ok, so that's less than ideal, I thought, but it's only mid October by this point and I figured I could take it mid November, so I can have a month to study. I started exploring practice tests. About 4 days went by. I went to sign up for the GRE online, still thinking mid November would work for me. And maybe I would be able to take it on post at the Education center. That'd be nice and convenient.
BUT NO.
Turns out it takes up to two weeks before the GRE scores even get sent to the schools you designate on test day. And the latest available testing date in South Korea that would guarantee enough time for scores to reach schools by the deadlines was October 30th. In Seoul. Not on post where we live. In SEOUL (near a train station I've never stopped at before, by the way). Which, for anyone rusty on their Korean geography, is 1.5 hours by train from Dongducheon, the small city we live in that's halfway between Seoul and the DMZ.
Turns out it takes up to two weeks before the GRE scores even get sent to the schools you designate on test day. And the latest available testing date in South Korea that would guarantee enough time for scores to reach schools by the deadlines was October 30th. In Seoul. Not on post where we live. In SEOUL (near a train station I've never stopped at before, by the way). Which, for anyone rusty on their Korean geography, is 1.5 hours by train from Dongducheon, the small city we live in that's halfway between Seoul and the DMZ.
This keeps getting better and better.
But I decided to look on the bright side: it's an adventure! Plus, I wouldn't have to angst about the test for months and I could be really, really motivated about studying--it's just 10 days, after all.
Yep. TEN DAYS. Triple yikes.
Yep. TEN DAYS. Triple yikes.
So I booked a hotel for the night before the test at the US military post in Seoul, took the train down, and figured out where the heck the testing center was, while looking painfully touristy with my overnight bag, my phone-gps clutched in one hand, and my printout of the building location from Google maps in the other. (Because calculating routes in English doesn't work in google maps for Korea. Super-convenient, I know.)
(A quick snapshot of a temporary construction wall/barrier I walked past on my way to find the test site last night...yes, it is decorated with helpful PSA-style diagrams of how to make an origami rhinoceros...further down the wall were diagrams of origami elephants and ostriches, too.)
Anyway, I finally found the test center! Here's a fuzzy in-the-dark picture of the awesome artsy-architecture that is the Fulbright Building in Seoul.
Anyway, I finally found the test center! Here's a fuzzy in-the-dark picture of the awesome artsy-architecture that is the Fulbright Building in Seoul.
Anyway, after scribbling notes on my map-print-out to reassure myself I'd be able to find the place again in a timely manner in the morning, I headed to my hotel for the night. I snacked on bread slathered with Nutella (study incentive treat!) and educated myself about the essay formats on the test. I also retaught myself several general math concepts I discover I've completely forgotten--like factoring polynomials. In my defense, it has been over 7 years since I last took a proper math class. Wow, suddenly I feel a bit old. But I digress.
This is my favorite part: I stopped studying before bed, but that's when I started praying instead. And reading Philippians 3-4. Great chapters; you should totally check them out, dear readers. And the apostle Paul, through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, has totally awesome stuff to say about humility, pressing onward, prayer, and peace. Phew. Loaded passages, but exactly what God had for me right then. What a timely reminder to practice humility in the face of the temptation to place my hope and trust in my academic record and intellectual abilities. After all, they are not what define me, whether I succeeded or failed at this GRE attempt. In God's eyes, I'm so horribly broken that all my best deeds and abilities are rubbish. My good undergrad GPA? My high standardized test scores in high school? To borrow from Shakespeare, everything I am and have is but "quintessence of dust." Or as the prophet Isaiah put it: "All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the LORD blows on it; surely the people are grass" (Isaiah 40:6b-7 ESV). But--Praise God!--He didn't leave me like that. He gave Himself on the cross so that I could "gain Christ" (Phil. 3)--my sins are atoned and Christ's righteousness adorns my shoulders, hiding equally the rubbish of both my sins and my best efforts underneath.
The chapters in Philippians go on to chronicle Paul's thought process--the "now what," if you will. He exhorts his readers to join him in "forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead...press[ing] on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 3:13b-14 ESV). Those are good words, especially to a perfectionist like me who tends to get hung up on past failures as well as past successes, both of which can prevent me equally from excelling in my academic pursuits and from living abundantly in my relationship with God.
I reached chapter 4 and again found just the words I needed at that moment--the "how" of doing that "now what." How do I give it all to God and press forward in the confidence of His grace? Paul gives us the answer in verse 6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (ESV). I remembered how just over two weeks ago, we had a guest speaker at PWOC (the women's ministry on post that I volunteer with) who spoke about prayer from these verses. Her acronym for a template for prayer came back to me: PRAY. That's Praise, Repent, Ask, Yield. Praise God for who He is, Repent by agreeing with God about your sin and turning from it to Him, Ask for what you need or are worried about, then Yield the results to His perfect will. So I did that, right then. It's been a rough several years spiritually for me--lots of highs and lows for a variety of reasons (if you haven't been in the loop on that, feel free to ask, but that's another long story for another day or another post; it mostly involves me blaming God for stuff and then having a hard time believing He's forgiven me for blaming Him for so long). Honestly a lot of times when I pray, I struggle to get past the confession stage of prayer. It's not that I'm not confessing; I guess I mostly get hung up on the being forgiven part. I struggle to believe that I've really confessed enough (which doesn't really even make sense theologically, but there you go: things we believe without basis that get in the way of abundant life) or that God's not still somehow disappointed with me and therefore not forgiven me or restored me to the full joy of His salvation (also an unsound thing to believe theologically but a tough idea to shake once it grabs on). Anyway, for the first time in quite a while, I really felt forgiven. I know that the truth is that I am forgiven always in Christ, but there is such joy in recognizing that all over again. Before I went to bed, I praised God, confessed, and actually accepted the forgiveness I know He's always been giving me.
This morning, based on the boldness of knowing I'm really forgiven, I dared to ask. It was a beautiful fall Korean morning--God's artistry evident in the changing colors, the chill in the air, and sweet smell of changing seasons in the light breeze. This was the view from my window this morning at sunrise when I was getting up (sorry the pic's so blurry and has window-reflections...but it was just too pretty a sunrise not to try to give you a taste):
Anyway, I had such peace. I was completely at peace with how the test might go. I trusted God, and I put no stock in my own abilities or insecurities. I just pressed on toward the goal. Before I started the test (once I'd navigated the language barriers at the testing center!), I paused to really pray again. I dared to ask God for a better outcome to the test than I had dared to hope for, the kind of result that could only be from Him. Then, still full of His peace, I yielded the whole thing to Him. Each new sheet of scratch paper, each section of the exam, I yielded to Him. It was a really great experience. Never thought I'd say that about the GRE, but really, it had nothing to do with the GRE. It was just where I happened to be when I was yielding my steps to God.
By the time I was finished, I felt really good about how it had gone and I still felt at peace. And that's when they tell you your "unofficial" score at the end (that is, your scores for the parts of the test that can be scored electronically on site). Man, God really answered my prayer. I am still kind of in shock that He actually did. Oh, me of little faith. ;) Anyway, there is no way it should have gone as smoothly as it did nor that I should have earned that good a score, definitely not with the crammed timeline or the geographic and linguistic complications. But there it is, added permanently to my academic record: Proof that sometimes God does answer our prayers for the things we think are too big to ask for. More importantly, for me it will be an Ebenezer during the next several weeks of application frenzy and several additional weeks or months of waiting for acceptance/rejection letters: God is in control of the process. PRAY. Then rest in His will.
That is exactly what I failed to do the last time I applied to grad school, and the bad experience I had with the process last time around was one contributing factor in kicking off such a long and difficult period in my walk with God. I hope and pray this is a chance to come full-circle; a chance for God to do a healing and growing work in me. Maybe this time, I can trust Him each step of the way and see His hand more clearly, finding healing from past pains and renewed faith and joy in following His plan for my life.
Soli Deo Gloria!
-Emily
The chapters in Philippians go on to chronicle Paul's thought process--the "now what," if you will. He exhorts his readers to join him in "forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead...press[ing] on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 3:13b-14 ESV). Those are good words, especially to a perfectionist like me who tends to get hung up on past failures as well as past successes, both of which can prevent me equally from excelling in my academic pursuits and from living abundantly in my relationship with God.
I reached chapter 4 and again found just the words I needed at that moment--the "how" of doing that "now what." How do I give it all to God and press forward in the confidence of His grace? Paul gives us the answer in verse 6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (ESV). I remembered how just over two weeks ago, we had a guest speaker at PWOC (the women's ministry on post that I volunteer with) who spoke about prayer from these verses. Her acronym for a template for prayer came back to me: PRAY. That's Praise, Repent, Ask, Yield. Praise God for who He is, Repent by agreeing with God about your sin and turning from it to Him, Ask for what you need or are worried about, then Yield the results to His perfect will. So I did that, right then. It's been a rough several years spiritually for me--lots of highs and lows for a variety of reasons (if you haven't been in the loop on that, feel free to ask, but that's another long story for another day or another post; it mostly involves me blaming God for stuff and then having a hard time believing He's forgiven me for blaming Him for so long). Honestly a lot of times when I pray, I struggle to get past the confession stage of prayer. It's not that I'm not confessing; I guess I mostly get hung up on the being forgiven part. I struggle to believe that I've really confessed enough (which doesn't really even make sense theologically, but there you go: things we believe without basis that get in the way of abundant life) or that God's not still somehow disappointed with me and therefore not forgiven me or restored me to the full joy of His salvation (also an unsound thing to believe theologically but a tough idea to shake once it grabs on). Anyway, for the first time in quite a while, I really felt forgiven. I know that the truth is that I am forgiven always in Christ, but there is such joy in recognizing that all over again. Before I went to bed, I praised God, confessed, and actually accepted the forgiveness I know He's always been giving me.
This morning, based on the boldness of knowing I'm really forgiven, I dared to ask. It was a beautiful fall Korean morning--God's artistry evident in the changing colors, the chill in the air, and sweet smell of changing seasons in the light breeze. This was the view from my window this morning at sunrise when I was getting up (sorry the pic's so blurry and has window-reflections...but it was just too pretty a sunrise not to try to give you a taste):
Anyway, I had such peace. I was completely at peace with how the test might go. I trusted God, and I put no stock in my own abilities or insecurities. I just pressed on toward the goal. Before I started the test (once I'd navigated the language barriers at the testing center!), I paused to really pray again. I dared to ask God for a better outcome to the test than I had dared to hope for, the kind of result that could only be from Him. Then, still full of His peace, I yielded the whole thing to Him. Each new sheet of scratch paper, each section of the exam, I yielded to Him. It was a really great experience. Never thought I'd say that about the GRE, but really, it had nothing to do with the GRE. It was just where I happened to be when I was yielding my steps to God.
By the time I was finished, I felt really good about how it had gone and I still felt at peace. And that's when they tell you your "unofficial" score at the end (that is, your scores for the parts of the test that can be scored electronically on site). Man, God really answered my prayer. I am still kind of in shock that He actually did. Oh, me of little faith. ;) Anyway, there is no way it should have gone as smoothly as it did nor that I should have earned that good a score, definitely not with the crammed timeline or the geographic and linguistic complications. But there it is, added permanently to my academic record: Proof that sometimes God does answer our prayers for the things we think are too big to ask for. More importantly, for me it will be an Ebenezer during the next several weeks of application frenzy and several additional weeks or months of waiting for acceptance/rejection letters: God is in control of the process. PRAY. Then rest in His will.
That is exactly what I failed to do the last time I applied to grad school, and the bad experience I had with the process last time around was one contributing factor in kicking off such a long and difficult period in my walk with God. I hope and pray this is a chance to come full-circle; a chance for God to do a healing and growing work in me. Maybe this time, I can trust Him each step of the way and see His hand more clearly, finding healing from past pains and renewed faith and joy in following His plan for my life.
Soli Deo Gloria!
-Emily
